i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
