im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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