Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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