Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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