One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
