i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
