Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
