at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
