i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
