I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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