I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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