I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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