I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Bring me that man meat
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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