I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
