so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
