1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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