Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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