I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize