i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
