girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
