I swear she didn't look like that last week.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
