Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
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