I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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