They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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