and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
