Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
