Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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