Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
