If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize