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I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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