Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
