i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
