I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
