Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
