I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
