theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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