If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
