Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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