Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
