just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
