all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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