Got a toothbrush?
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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