I think i peed on brittanys purse
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
