Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
