Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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