it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
