My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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