I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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