He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
