Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
