ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
