She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
