I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
