And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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