This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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