I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize