I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
