Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
