well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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