Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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