I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
